What is Enough...

Ashley finished her quilt. She is so excited to finish it I think it turned out to be very pretty and she did a good job for her first big quilt. She did a baby quilt last year for a friend. This quilt will go in her hope chest we bought extra fabric so that she can make a baby quilt to match this one. But she wants to make a Regency dress first the baby quilt will be a winter project I think.

Wyatt smashing tile and plates, we redid the lower step on our walkway well we put concrete in since all that was there was cinder blocks as you can see below. But we wanted to put tile in the concrete so Wyatt is smashing some up.

Our new little front gate to the cottage garden. We fenced the front yard in to keep the ducks and goats out...they love herbs :0) Below is bits and pieces of metal to be a support in the concrete. The kids and I did this last week and we had enough concrete left to do some of our walkway as well. I will get a picture to show you our finished job soon.

But today I have lots on my mind and wanted to air it out some. Have you ever gotten so much going on up there that you can't focus on anything else?

 I am a stay at home mom and love it I wouldn't have it any other way. But most think stay at home moms sit around all day, I have a family member that thinks this of me and it bothers me sometimes but most of the time I don't give it much thought since I am to busy to think about it.

I honestly do not know how working moms do it, just keeping up with all I have here at home is a job but adding working outside the home would be to much.

Hubby and I have talked about it a lot lately and so far have decided that even when our children are grown which isn't that far away I will stay home. I have no desire to work for someone else I am looking at things I can do here from home but I have put so much of myself on hold to raise my children that I look forward to pulling those things off the shelf, dusting them off, and trying them out.

I look forward to seeing my children grow into adults with strong testimonies, going on missions, and exploring life. I married at 19 and will be a couple weeks shy of 42 when my son turns 19 and can go on a mission and my daughter will be 21 and can go on one as well if she desires. I have so many things I want to do or continue to do working outside of the home is not one of them.

But right now I am so busy and stress that I cannot do all I do now. Blogging does not help, you read of others doing this or doing that and seeming to do it all on top of learning new skills and raising children. I am a busy person and most of it is around my children and what they do or what is needed around here. Yes I do have time to sit and read or watch a movie but most of that is to rest mind and or body from a very busy day or week.

Reading helps me slow my brain to focus on something besides busy busy or alot of the time anxiety, yes I still have that pain in the neck thing called anxiety I have learned to live with it though sometimes it is a little overwhelming.

I have been doing a study on pride, a little here and a little there in between studying the scriptures. Pride is a powerful motivator, we pride ourselves on being perfect. We want others to think we are perfect, our kids are perfect, our marriages, our lives. We as a society are so much busier than we were say 100 yrs ago. It is always go go go but we still can't catch up.

I always feel I will never measure up to that, I can't do it all but I want people to think I can. See, Pride, reading others blogs and seeing that they can learn and do so many things and have little ones gets that jealously monster out sometimes. I have teenagers that help me so I can do a lot more than I used to and I am thankful that they enjoy what I do so it isn't a battle. We are working together to produce things and learning together.

But my children aren't perfect, they both have a love of the scriptures and so much knowledge of them. I ask them when I have a question about them. I have an Eagle Scout at 15, a young woman who finished her personal progress at 16, she won 2nd place in a state essay contest, they both have done well in 4H. And they both love to serve others. But they do have so many things that they struggle with as we all do. My daughter has learning problems that make it so hard for her sometimes, but her heart for others, that most people won't look at, is so excepting.  It bothers her when she is at youth functions to see what her peers do to those who aren't perfect by the world's standards and not just the youth but that adults as well.

I started blogging 6 years ago and as I think back at it it has stressed me though I have enjoyed all I have learned. Reading what others do or want others to think that they do stresses me because I know I can't do it all. We take pictures of projects but don't show our messy homes just what we have done. Like cooking a new dish and sharing it we clear the counters to show clean ones in the photo or living rooms or yards that are perfect. We show sewing projects but not the imperfections in them, we share all that our kids have done and can do but not their struggles. We make our marriages out to be perfect and that our husbands are like gods, when we all know that marriage is work and husbands are flawed just like we are.

But our pride gets in the way and we want to make it seem we are wonder woman and can do it all. In the end my anxiety is caused by the pride I have and the worry that others will see my imperfections.That they will see that my kids aren't perfect and have struggles, that my husband and I have some pretty good arguments sometimes because of pride, that my house is messy quite a bit, that my garden has weeds, that I can cuss like a sailor when I am angry, I have a hot temper when provoked, I am not always a great cook, I love chocolate too much and hamburgers I feel are a gift from God,  that I have stretch marks from 3 pregnancies, and no matter what I say deep inside I am glad I have been blessed with 3 children but I am looking forward to an empty nest and it being just hubby and I. Though I know we will always be parents and will always jump to be with and to help our children since they are what we have lived for all these years.

So when I blog remember that I am imperfect that I cannot do it all. When I take a picture I guarantee there is a mess somewhere not being shown in it or that at sometime during the week I did watch a movie instead of working my fingers to the bone gardening, sewing, crocheting, animaling, embroidering, herballing, walking, or just living. And I probably cussed a little to much and owe my kids a quarter for each word, I owe them way to much already. Please don't hold any of this againest me...:0)

Imperfectly Yours,

Erika

PS if you have recently tuned into this blog I have 2 living children and one who passed away at 7 months of age. His 14th birthday is this Sunday. His name is Dannett Starbuck Wood and he is missed everyday. To have raised him with his siblings would have been pure joy.