Monday, December 6, 2010

When your life choices are questioned.

What happens when you feel you are questioned and taunted at every turn you take? It goes along with that saying when life hands you lemons you make lemonade.

Our journey through this life is not an easy one at times; life can be so overwhelming or frustrating no matter what we do or don't do. We can try to pull away from influences, behaviors, or people that stand in our way of growing, progressing only to be pulled up short by them again and again.

I wonder daily what my life is to be, am I happy with my accomplishments, my goals, my decisions.... When I feel I finally have some sort of order to the never ending chaos something yet again knocks me down.

Is this because maybe I have found that place in my life that truly makes me happy. The simplicity of it all, I love my skirts, not cutting my hair but maybe once a year, gardening, homeschooling, raising my children my way, simply slowing down and seeing what is around me, being a family and doing things together, playing games nightly with my children, canning, baking bread, cooking from complete scratch.....

I don't like the fussiness of the world crashing in on me. The crowds this time of year overwhelm me, our self entitlement society, the never ending complaining, hatefulness, pride, selfishness....

Our family is a close family; hardships in our past have forged that closeness. Our youngest son passing away, Hurricane Katrina, living offgrid for 3 years, and all the many little things that have built us to who we are today.  I am a stronger person today than I was 17 years ago when we were newly married and it is because of the choices I have made that have put me on this path.

But, when that path is disturbed and questioned we faulter and struggle with the derision of the world around us. A world we felt was stable until something so small so profound attacks your very core. You feel violated, unsure, anxious, and overwhelmed. Old insecurities surface, feelings of inadequecy rear their ugly heads, and you question what you have built as your foundation.

Does that mean our foundation is cracked or ideals wrong? No, I don't think so, though at times I have wondered and have spent many hours wasting the mental power anguishing over it. And so have neglected and even questioned the very things I live for, the very things that make my life special to me, the very things it took me so long to realize.

My life is not an open book to anyone I am a private person who clings to her privacy very much, I am shy,  very protective of my loved ones, and I will and do stand on my own two feet and protect what I feel is worth protecting. But I am also a person who feels deeply and sometimes has a hard time tuning out what is said or thought around me and I take it to heart and it hurts.

So with the lemons in my life I hope to have lemonade soon and I hope to learn how to make it very soon. :0)


  1. My dear Erika,

    I feel your thoughts...because they reflect a great deal of what mine have been of late.

    I miss you dear friend. A letter is forthcoming - I can't wait to share with you what has been happening.

    You are doing exactly what Our Lord has made you to be. Choices that have been taken for the good of your family are perfect for your family because you have been guided by Him!

    Don't allow the world to interfere - I love being plain...I love being different!

    In His Love,


  2. Erika,

    I'm fairly new to your blog but your words in this post just speak to me so much. I too have felt them but don't be discouraged. Stay strong I believe those of us on the simple path are on the right path and that is why we are facing challenges from others around us.

    Thank you so much for sharing this - it brings great fellowship to see that we all feel this way from time to time.



  3. By the time I finished reading your entry, I was like "YES!" Meeee, too....

    Uch....why do I even care about anyone else but my own family....


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